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If He Loved Me, Why did He Leave Me?
How I Began My Spiritual Search |
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When I was four earth-years old I woke up and discovered my father had died during the night. No one could tell me the answer to one important question. If he loved me, why did he leave me? The answer to this question was the only answer that had any meaning to me.
Some told me that he went to Heaven. Someday I would see him again. To a four year old child, this had no meaning whatsoever. If he loved me, why did he leave me? I needed an answer.
Some told me that God needed him. Well, how could God need him more than I needed him? How could God take him away from me when I needed him so much?
Some said it was a mystery. In other words, they could not answer the only question that meant anything to a four year old child whose beloved father was gone and would not be coming back.
I remember standing in my back yard, looking up at the universe and vowing to seek until I found the answers that no one could answer. The answers to, “If he loved me, why did he leave me? What was this thing called life that I seemed to be living?” I had to know and would pay any price to find out. Little did I know the prices that I would have to pay along my journey of understanding.
Within the following year after my father died, it was Christmas in Missouri. I was told that if I was a good boy and did not do bad things such as lie to my mother, Santa Claus would bring me nice presents.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up and discovered it was after midnight. I wondered if Santa Claus had been at my house yet and left me any presents. It had been a year since my father died and I really needed some excitement. I very quietly peeked into the living room where the Christmas tree was. Lo and behold, I saw my mother and my aunt placing presents under the Christmas tree. Wow, my mother and my aunt were Santa Claus.
All of a sudden I had a realization. My mother had lied to me. The only person I had left in the world that I felt I could unquestionably trust had lied to me. And not just once, but all year, every time she told me about Santa Claus. I realized then that even the most important person in the world to me could lie to me thinking it was done through love for me and would bring me happiness.
Now that my father was dead, the last thing I needed was the most important person left in the world to me to lie to me, even if it was meant in a loving way. I needed truth in my life. I lost my father. Truth was the only thing I had left to hang onto. How could she lie to me?
These two experiences taught me three very important lessons.
One - Even if someone really, really loved me, this did not mean that they would not leave me. They might not have any choice in the decision to leave. They might not even know that they are going to leave, therefore they would not have a chance to let me know about it and at least have a chance to say goodbye.
Two - The most important person in the world to me either could not tell me why my father left me if he loved me, or really did not know what death was about. Everybody eventually died, but there were a lot of different opinions of what death was or where we went after we died. There were so many different opinions. Everybody could not be right. To a four-year old child – there were so many stories but none of them, not even one of them, answered the only question that mattered, “If he loved me, why did he leave me”, in a way that the four-year-old could understand between the tears of the pain of separation. How could I relate to a heaven after we die? How could I relate to reincarnation? How could I relate that even though he could not tell me personally, that I would see him some day after I die and go up in the sky? I was just beginning to live. How could I even begin to comprehend dying? There were so many stories. If everybody was right, then everybody was wrong. In other words, no one knew. They only thought they knew or hoped they knew.
Three - Even the most important person in the world might lie to me and call it love.
At the ripe old age of 5, I had already started walking my journey alone. Who could I trust to lead me in the way I should go?
I had many other, what to me were tragic experiences after that, but I will skip ahead to my 21st year of earth-life.
Years later, I woke up at the age of 21 and found my wife had died during the night. I finally accepted that I could never be like everybody else in the world. I could never be satisfied with what most of the world called happiness, pleasure or fulfillment of earthly desires. I had lost my father and my pregnant wife, all by the ripe old age of 21. I needed to find answers that no one in the world seemed to have.
Oh sure, there were a lot of different people, of different faiths, of different religions who said "they had found the way". But to me most of these people were hugging their faith because they did not really want to think about life and death. This was evident whenever I had conversations with them. They would stop having conversations with me if I brought up the subject of death in a way that it required staring death in the face. They wanted to have faith that a book, or a preacher, or a rabbi, or a mullah, or a guru, a scientist or a politician knew the way to peace, security and salvation. They wanted to believe that after they died, they would all have a family re-union in a place called heaven and live happily forever after.
I traveled and studied religion after religion. I studied school of thought after school of thought. I looked around and it appeared to me that, other than mental comfort through having hope and faith that a religious story was true, the only ones who really had the peace, security and salvation were the leaders of the religions or different schools of thought. Well, at least they had peace and security. They were supported by the body of believers in whatever faith they were preaching. Salvation was another story and not one of them could show me salvation unless I died for proof. Believe, believe, not what you see, but what we say. Most religious get-togethers were visited by desperate spirit-humans feeling comfort socializing with other desperate spirit-humans. Desperate for some kind of answer that would comfort their fear of there being nothing after death, forever and ever. They did not think of themselves as being desperate any longer for they had “found THE WAY” to salvation and eternal life.
Even Jesus Christ is written to have said "all these things that I do, you can do also". Other than so-called healings by the faith-healers of different spiritual faiths, most of which can be explained by the power of the belief of the one who experienced the healing, no one is doing what Jesus said they could do - if they really believed. Most of the ones who were getting anything out of their faith were the ones who believed so much in their faith that they experienced a healing through the power of their belief - not through the power of any faith- healer. I believe some spirit-humans, through their intimacy with the Great Spirit, can effect a healing with another spirit-human. However, this only occurs when the person experiencing the healing is ready for the healing. If they are not ready for the healing, if there is any healing at all, within a short time, they will be as sick as before the healing. They will not change their thoughts and their way of living that contributed to the disease that was healed. Just like dieting, if you do not forever change your way of thinking and way of living, you will re-gain the weight and probably be heavier than before the diet.
If there really was a healer like we think of when we think of a true spiritual healer, there would be millions of provable testimonies from people that were healed. Most leave the faith-healing gatherings and go home with the same illness or deformity they had before they went to the faith-healing gathering. For example, most who go to Lourdes, in France, for a healing leave in their wheelchairs, on their crutches or slumped over in sadness because whatever the healing they needed - wasn't delivered. Of course the VERY limited few that have some kind of healing are advertised by the religions that sponsor the healing gathering. They say, "See, we have the way. Just believe and be saved".
Where are the true-believers that can walk on water? Where are the true-believers that can heal the sick, raise the dead or calm the raging sea? It is written that one spiritual person actually calmed the angry sea and calmed a storm. Where are the true believers that can do what Jesus did and prevent the suffering caused by Hurricane Katrina by holding back the wind and sea from drowning little children and frail old persons? What about the suffering of the parent that just saw his or her child killed by a bomb sent by a believer of a different religion? In which God should they have believed? It seemed the God of the one who delivered the bomb was a stronger God – the correct God to protect us. For most of my earlier years, I was looking for someone like this to show me the way. Every time I thought I found an established religious way to look at living and eternal life, I was disappointed. Disappointed either in the people not practicing what they preached or disappointed in the concepts as a whole the more I delved into the religion. I learned from all of them, but all of them were lacking the fullness of spirit and truth I needed.
It is interesting that whenever people have out-of-body experiences at the door of death, whatever spirits they see and communicate with is strongly influenced by what they believed, or fervently hoped, before the out-of-body experience. If they were Christian, they saw Jesus or someone from the Christian Bible. If they were Jewish, they saw Ezekiel or someone from the Torah. If they were Muslim, they saw Muhammad or someone from their Islamic studies. If they are Scientologist, they probably see L. Ron Hubbard. They might see their dead loved ones, looking healthy and dressed in fine linens or bathed in holy light. They see whatever they can relate to in order for God to communicate what God wants to communicate to them at the time of their out-of-body experience. God will use whatever works to get God's message to the mind of the person needing the message.
I have been out of my body more than once. I was not near death when I had my out-of-body experiences. I was doing other things. Yes, we do live after our body is dead. Yes, we can see loved ones or spiritual entities at times. We also may be out of our body and see no one. I was once out of my body and found myself flying through the galaxies and the cosmos enjoying the beautiful sights. However, God has other things for us to do rather than sit in Heaven, listen to harps and dine on holy grapes. There is an entire universe out there that needs our spiritual assistance. The glimpses of heaven, spiritual beings or even galaxies have a spiritual purpose in our eternal education to become better glorifiers of the reality and desire of God.
My body is over 60 and I now find myself playing the role of father to an 11-year-old spirit-boy. I have since found my answer to, “If he loved me, why did he leave me”. He had no choice, his spiritual journey was continued somewhere else. What I learned through living without him brought me closer to the reality of what we call God. God became my father to lead me and teach me and my earthly mother gave me the security I needed when God the Father gave me some heavy experiences to integrate and learn from. I would like to see and speak with the father I once had, but even if it never happens, I am eternally grateful that I had that great soul playing the role of my earthly-father for the four years I had him. I learned from his life with me and have learned from his separation from me.
I was blessed with my earthly mother for 50 more years after my earthly father died. 36 hours after she died, she came to me in my bedroom and with a clear voice told me that she was wonderful, she felt no pain, I was right, there was more after the death of our physical body, she loved me…..goodbye…..
The Great Spirit has instructed me to use AMSWAY as a vehicle to communicate my way of viewing our relationship with the Infinite Intelligence we call God. To communicate what I have learned and what has helped me in my journey on this planet. Let us share our spiritual journey as much as we can. If we each learn just one thing from each other that helps us in our individual spiritual adventure - then we have given each other a priceless gift - a most holy gift.
Please share with me your thoughts on my writings throughout AMSWAY. Who knows, you might just inspire me to write another missive that will be just what someone needs in their spiritual journey throughout eternity.
That other spirit-person you help might just be me.
The spirit called AM
